Delivering

Whenever I put the link up on facebook I have to expect more people than usual to read what I write. I usually kid around and write that my audience is single digits. However, I've had at least 5 people tell me that these posts are somewhat entertaining. Considering I'm sure there are a few lurkers out there, I may have just crossed into the double digit viewers. What this does is puts added pressure of making quality posts and not bs where Jordan Cohen tells me the post is unimpressive. (He'll probably bust a nut I mentioned him) So I sit here thinking about things to write about which will alleviate people from the boredom (this is why you're here right?). The problem is my life is just as boring as yours. I wake up tired in the morning. Complain about idiots I deal with at work. Then get a couple of hours of free time which I usually just waste anyway. So what am I supposed to write about?

I go out to dinner with my mom last night for our weekly or biweekly meal. We chat about work and money and other daily stuff. After two glasses of white zinfandel she asks me when an I going to get a girlfriend and all the other "you're 25 and it's time to grow up yada yada." I give her my usual I'm irresponsible and can barely take care of myself. I only have a year or two of partying without feeling like I'm way to old to hang out with the 21 year old bar crowd so let me enjoy my freedom while I can. She tells me that I should join a class that interests me so that I can meet people with similar interests. I say fine and we move on.

So I think to myself why would I want someone who likes the same things I like? Finding someone who likes to gamble and get completely obliterated on the weekends isn't ideal, hence why I don't bring people into my world. I have a list of things that I've done that are so ridiculous I can't believe I've done some of them. (Paul ((my uncles son, not sure what title that is)) if you are reading this lets not bring this up at family functions).

I didn't do anything stupid in all of high school, didn't even take a sip of beer. Second week of college when I was 17 I got my first underage after doing 5 beer bongs (total light weight) and stumbled into a cop. Only person to get a citation. I got frostbite after getting hammered and taking off my shoe to climb a fence on the coldest day of the year (long story with foggy details). I was driven home in the paddy wagon one night. I received a public drunkenness the night I faceplanted into the sidewalk.


I got caught pissing by the cops next to a wall at 3 in the morning when I decided to make a run for it. I ran up a hill in manayunk for about 800 yards before I got exhausted. I stopped in the middle of the street, saw the paddy wagon behind me, and turned around and put my hands behind my back. They took me in where I acted like a badass telling them I was getting my lawyer and they slammed me in the wall and let me go. I still got a citation for public drunkenness. I had a standoff where I climbed a fence to the post office and police were on the other side telling me to come back. The only thing I remember is climbing back over saying "I'm going to tear my sac." Fortunately, I was released with no problems. Final things, Yes I've patted Samuel Dalembert on the back and yes I've asked Freddie Mitchell if the 4th and 26th was the greatest play of his career (obviously). I don't even want to get into AC or strip club stories.

This is the amazing part. These are the only things that are crazy enough that stick in my memory as completely ridiculous! Think about it. I've been drinking for almost 8 years now. Lets says 400 weekends. 800 days of drinking heavily. I have hardly ever taken a weekend off and very rarely do I not drink to intoxication. These few events out of 800 potential nights are the only bad things that that have happened to me. True, I've had numerous incidents where I've scraped my knees or bruised my elbows but that amount of incidents is impressive to me with regards to the amount of scenarios.

Assuming my mom knows all this, most of which she does, certainly not all, and I tell her I can barely take care of myself, now you know what I'm talking about. I have no significant other, but when I get old and I tell the next generation my stories. My stories aren't what a rousing game of Yahtzee last night. I have some interesting ones and I can say that I lived life the best that I could. I stay in shape and work 5 days a week to survive.

Hope you enjoyed reading, the autobiography will be out next year. Leave a comment if you want to pre-order.